Competition is a part of us, apart of our world for both female and male. Now, this could be chalked up to it being a genetically wired human protocol to conserve familial safety and patriarchy, which we briefly reviewed in my previous rant. Okay, so come present-day, let’s consider how heavily populated the planet currently is, consider how often couples separate or how overly common blended families are now compared to olden times where marriage was a practically a requirement and the option of divorce was wildly shunned. Consider also how societies have shifted their concerns from safety and vitality to needing the latest Samsung or Apple product and hey! I’m not hating. Humans are constantly evolving and it’s wonderful but sometimes certain mentalities don’t seem to evolve as well. Let’s be clear; this isn’t about placing blame or forcing other females to necessarily accept responsibility for this. Let me also be clear on competition; yes, it can be healthy however it is not a necessary trait within our work / personal / whatever-have-you lives - a point proven by Alfie Kohn, researcher and author of No Contest: The Case Against Competition. In this eye-opening read, Kohn debunks the deeply seeded myth that competition is just another part of human nature and proving how competition is indeed a learned behavior - we do not come out of the womb ready to defeat others and bask in their defeat. “All of us enjoy the sense of accomplishment that comes from being particularly good at something…” Kohn carefully shines a light on the distinction from healthy competition to unhealthy competition or as he terms it “Mutually exclusive goal attainment” - the concept that my success equals your failure - here is where the problem truly lies. “The desire to be better than others feels quite different from this desire to do well.” One of my go to favorite writers, Leora Tanenbaum, author of Catfight, who also discusses Kohn’s research and writings, but more to my point Tanenbaum exposes the bigger dilemma here: “No matter how much some of us might happen to despise competition, our culture celebrates it everywhere, from the schoolyard to the sports field to the partnership track at work.” We all live in a system that favors our competition, favors raising some to the top by stomping on those below. Let’s forget ‘the system’ for now though. Right now, the reality is that this is about awareness. This is about YOU. This is also about the all other women, men, and children in the world who don’t feel like they have any power because someone told them they had none and they believed it. Sure, one shouldn’t let others determine who they are but then again…. if you can’t say anything nice, why say anything at all? Ladies - and even gentlemen, Stop comparing yourself to others and to others’ notions and ideas of beauty. It’s okay to drop the fake filters and celebrate your authentic self. Do me a favor and try out an exercise for a week or two; speak positively to others. Compliment someone’s style, appearance, or personality - no negativity, no gossiping, no comparisons. After some time, take care to consider YOU - your style, looks and/or personality. Not just friends and family, but strangers. I don’t know about you but I always have a great day when someone compliments something about me or my style. After a little time, you’ll notice that tiny voice who irks you to compare yourself to others or to obsesses over negative thoughts and past comments; that voice will have less and less meaning, leaving you empowered. As I said before, this is about YOU! On a personal note - this small aspect changed my whole weight loss experience. It wasn’t until I fully comprehended this did I see any real and permanent changes in my weight because it was no longer about the number or about others - it was about ME. This is such a simple action that can be passed along. Amazingly, positivity can be an act as a virus and it all starts with you and with me. Choose to stop comparing. Choose to speak positively. By embracing a positive world where we can celebrate others: men and women, straight or gay, green or purple, we are creating a loving, safe space for ourselves.
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Females allude few covert and subtle interactions that, as a woman myself, I can say we do not overtly discuss. In my early college years, I met a gorgeous and confident woman within my cohort that at first glance, made me stop in my tracks. Her beauty is the type that shocks you, it soaked me up and left me with a tiny, rattling voice that one might not necessarily be aware of in that moment but I begin to compare myself, critically assessing each intimate and personal flaw. “If only my legs were that long…” “Look at her gorgeous skin! I would kill for clear, smooth, flawless skin like hers!” “Why can’t I have those perfect curves?” Clearly, I am the type to compare and self-criticize but I have noticed from friends interactions or hear from others’ venting, there are those that instead of self-criticizing - they compete. Never have I been the competitive type save for a short stint as a soccer goalie when I was 9. After only winning two times it became my dream to go pro. Only, my third and final game ended with me going to the emergency room for a broken arm. It was my arm or take a speeding soccer ball to my face. I blocked that ball and we won that game (woo!) but it was my final day as a competitive person. Perhaps this is my inner social worker, but I just want everyone to get along; so excuse my surprise when this gorgeous woman, who I greet with a bright smile, averts my glance with an eye roll and curtly brushes past me. In this bleak moment, I felt so small. I felt so immediately dismissed…. But I brush it off. I tell myself not take it personally 'she’s just having a rough day or she must have heard bad news'. There was no justifying the second and third occurrence, however. I’ve met this type of woman before and they exhibit one similar feature: competition. Whether it be direct, subtle, or aggressive, this subtlety is one I am quite familiar with as a noncompetitive type. Across centuries, females have typically been considered the caretaker - in fact 95% of mammals, the female provides parental care [2]. Where as men were protectors; we all know men were prime hunters as they have larger hearts, skeletal muscles and lung capacity. Naturally, males compete against another in strength and valor, status and resources as attractive to females. Across many cultures female to female competition exists as well, but let’s talk research. Joseph Campbell stated in the The Oxford Handbook of Women and Competition “women must compete with one another to secure the best men, just as men vie for the best women." [3] This makes sense: women were care takers and men protected them until their child could grow to be a care taker or a protector, thus creating life. Women competed for the bravest, most competent men as their lives depended on it, whereas men valued women who were healthy, could reproduce and to provide care. Attributes of competition may have been introduced as a form of picking the best mate in past times but humans have much evolved since hunter/gatherer times. In this now 'modern' world, where anyone is welcome to the option of having a partner (of either gender) or not have a partner, is there really a need to compete with one another anymore? This even gained the attention of a researcher with Emmanuel College, Joyce Benenson, who performed a recent study involving female rivalries within modern America and have found three characteristics of competition between females that I'm sure will not surprise anyone:
Author Leora Tanenbaum in her book Catfight: Rivalries Among Women, exposes the disadvantages this has anomaly has caused: "Many women compete over things they think men values, such as looking sexy… The most dangerous outcome of this is self-hatred; girls and woman disparage themselves and dissociate from other females"[6]. Sneers, competitive looks, holier than thou attitudes, utter catty remarks, even exclusion but yet we are actual strangers to each other! We have evolved into our schnazzy modern society where women (and men) face many issues: beauty standards, gender roles, gender hierarchies, stereotypes, and many other ranking paradoxes such as blatant sexism and disregard within the work place. This has become our modern world: one that we as a people have continuously self-perpetuated these rivalries just to overcome these everyday obstacles. Media doesn’t make this rivalry any easier, in fact we binge watch shows like the bachelor that fuels our fiery, rivalry tendencies but masks it as entertainment. These shows have become quite the norm within our TV life, shining a new light on how female rivalry has expanded, giving us a new mindset that I, as a female, am “more than” this other female or “less than” that other female. Rosie Molinary, author of Beautiful You gave voice to this very eloquently “When we make things into a competition, we create a situation where there are always winners and losers - which means our self-worth swings like a pendulum between anxiety and judgment”. [4] Can you empathize with this statement? I know I have felt this swift movement from anxiety and judgment all too well. One of my favorite author's and Ted Talk-er, Brené Brown, queen of researching shame and its effects, discovered in her interviews and shared her findings in her book I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t) that this rivalry isn’t just between women and can extend to more than physical appearance: “In my interviews with women, I heard over and over how woman constantly feel judged by other women when it comes to appearance and motherhood. On the other hand, every man I interviewed talked about how other men are constantly sizing up each others levels of financial success, intellect and physical strengths as measures of power. Sometimes, when suffocating under our culture’s rigid gender ideals, we mistakenly believe we can escape the pressure by judging others - “Look, compared to her, I’m great.'” [1]. When the truth is simple: WE ARE WHO WE ARE. There are no ranks. There is no race. Instead of casting judgment we can choose to let go of the 'versus' mentality. Can we not choose to see goodness in others? Can we not embrace others’ differences? If we’re viewing others negatively, how can you possibly have a positive view of yourself? Strongly consider - what can be gained when we view others ..or ourselves.. in a more positive light? I am calling you and myself out: stop seeing each other as rivals!! Empathize with one another. Empower one another. Each of us has the same insecurities, why not help each other out just a tiny bit but expressing warmth and connection instead of criticism. Could you imagine the world where females hold each other up for support? Could you imagine the countries we could take over?! Okay, just playing... but seriously.
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