Females allude few covert and subtle interactions that, as a woman myself, I can say we do not overtly discuss. In my early college years, I met a gorgeous and confident woman within my cohort that at first glance, made me stop in my tracks. Her beauty is the type that shocks you, it soaked me up and left me with a tiny, rattling voice that one might not necessarily be aware of in that moment but I begin to compare myself, critically assessing each intimate and personal flaw. “If only my legs were that long…” “Look at her gorgeous skin! I would kill for clear, smooth, flawless skin like hers!” “Why can’t I have those perfect curves?” Clearly, I am the type to compare and self-criticize but I have noticed from friends interactions or hear from others’ venting, there are those that instead of self-criticizing - they compete. Never have I been the competitive type save for a short stint as a soccer goalie when I was 9. After only winning two times it became my dream to go pro. Only, my third and final game ended with me going to the emergency room for a broken arm. It was my arm or take a speeding soccer ball to my face. I blocked that ball and we won that game (woo!) but it was my final day as a competitive person. Perhaps this is my inner social worker, but I just want everyone to get along; so excuse my surprise when this gorgeous woman, who I greet with a bright smile, averts my glance with an eye roll and curtly brushes past me. In this bleak moment, I felt so small. I felt so immediately dismissed…. But I brush it off. I tell myself not take it personally 'she’s just having a rough day or she must have heard bad news'. There was no justifying the second and third occurrence, however. I’ve met this type of woman before and they exhibit one similar feature: competition. Whether it be direct, subtle, or aggressive, this subtlety is one I am quite familiar with as a noncompetitive type. Across centuries, females have typically been considered the caretaker - in fact 95% of mammals, the female provides parental care [2]. Where as men were protectors; we all know men were prime hunters as they have larger hearts, skeletal muscles and lung capacity. Naturally, males compete against another in strength and valor, status and resources as attractive to females. Across many cultures female to female competition exists as well, but let’s talk research. Joseph Campbell stated in the The Oxford Handbook of Women and Competition “women must compete with one another to secure the best men, just as men vie for the best women." [3] This makes sense: women were care takers and men protected them until their child could grow to be a care taker or a protector, thus creating life. Women competed for the bravest, most competent men as their lives depended on it, whereas men valued women who were healthy, could reproduce and to provide care. Attributes of competition may have been introduced as a form of picking the best mate in past times but humans have much evolved since hunter/gatherer times. In this now 'modern' world, where anyone is welcome to the option of having a partner (of either gender) or not have a partner, is there really a need to compete with one another anymore? This even gained the attention of a researcher with Emmanuel College, Joyce Benenson, who performed a recent study involving female rivalries within modern America and have found three characteristics of competition between females that I'm sure will not surprise anyone:
Author Leora Tanenbaum in her book Catfight: Rivalries Among Women, exposes the disadvantages this has anomaly has caused: "Many women compete over things they think men values, such as looking sexy… The most dangerous outcome of this is self-hatred; girls and woman disparage themselves and dissociate from other females"[6]. Sneers, competitive looks, holier than thou attitudes, utter catty remarks, even exclusion but yet we are actual strangers to each other! We have evolved into our schnazzy modern society where women (and men) face many issues: beauty standards, gender roles, gender hierarchies, stereotypes, and many other ranking paradoxes such as blatant sexism and disregard within the work place. This has become our modern world: one that we as a people have continuously self-perpetuated these rivalries just to overcome these everyday obstacles. Media doesn’t make this rivalry any easier, in fact we binge watch shows like the bachelor that fuels our fiery, rivalry tendencies but masks it as entertainment. These shows have become quite the norm within our TV life, shining a new light on how female rivalry has expanded, giving us a new mindset that I, as a female, am “more than” this other female or “less than” that other female. Rosie Molinary, author of Beautiful You gave voice to this very eloquently “When we make things into a competition, we create a situation where there are always winners and losers - which means our self-worth swings like a pendulum between anxiety and judgment”. [4] Can you empathize with this statement? I know I have felt this swift movement from anxiety and judgment all too well. One of my favorite author's and Ted Talk-er, Brené Brown, queen of researching shame and its effects, discovered in her interviews and shared her findings in her book I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t) that this rivalry isn’t just between women and can extend to more than physical appearance: “In my interviews with women, I heard over and over how woman constantly feel judged by other women when it comes to appearance and motherhood. On the other hand, every man I interviewed talked about how other men are constantly sizing up each others levels of financial success, intellect and physical strengths as measures of power. Sometimes, when suffocating under our culture’s rigid gender ideals, we mistakenly believe we can escape the pressure by judging others - “Look, compared to her, I’m great.'” [1]. When the truth is simple: WE ARE WHO WE ARE. There are no ranks. There is no race. Instead of casting judgment we can choose to let go of the 'versus' mentality. Can we not choose to see goodness in others? Can we not embrace others’ differences? If we’re viewing others negatively, how can you possibly have a positive view of yourself? Strongly consider - what can be gained when we view others ..or ourselves.. in a more positive light? I am calling you and myself out: stop seeing each other as rivals!! Empathize with one another. Empower one another. Each of us has the same insecurities, why not help each other out just a tiny bit but expressing warmth and connection instead of criticism. Could you imagine the world where females hold each other up for support? Could you imagine the countries we could take over?! Okay, just playing... but seriously.
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“Imagine us shaping that new woman, dream of the future, out of the transformed obsessions that presently rule our lives.” - Kim Chernin, author, The Hungry Self Originally written on November 29, 2017
To complete my masters in social work, I had to perform a full presentation on how I could change an aspect of the world, i.e. a certain population, a specific occurrence, etc. using the core values and competencies that WSU taught us.... in 10 to 15 minutes. Piece o' Cake. (Note: I should say/warn you on my first post that I am a sarcastic writer, but you'll catch on) I was very proud of my research, I thought it wrong to let it sit on my hard drive for years until it magically gets lost over time. I chose to write about how our modern society demands a world where one must meet the impossible standards of beauty and flawlessness. Because of this, I believe that body positivity and self-care are much needed within everyone's lives, but especially here in America. We've grown far too comfortable with our go, go, go mantra that we have lost sight on silly little things like our character. What can't be posted to our timelines and feeds no longer has importance within our lives. We're no longer concerned with others' well being but more focused on how our lives must appear to others on their screens. Now throw youth into the mix and consider what message they can receive from our normal behavior and surroundings. On that note, let's just dive right in... What is Body Positivity? A movement that first emerged in the early 1990's that challenged society's negative view on beauty and thus invites people to live fully and intuitively in their lives without a focus on the waistline. This movement mirrors Strengths-Based theories practices of evaluating one's strengths to use as a tool for empowerment, in this case seeing your strengths as beauty. This movement also encourages connection with others to motivate empowerment. This movement shifted from attempting to "fix what's wrong" to practicing improving and maintaining self-care behaviors motivated by positive forces. I want to stress that this movement does not encourage unhealthy practices but rather encourages the practice loving yourself. Through self-care and through self-awareness we can unleash the natural creative energy we all possess! How's that now? By finding a balance between food, exercise, and rest (adequate self-care) we can find our genetically determined set point weight, our natural weight. How so? By not having our appearance be an obsession or on a pedestal we can focus on other aspects of ourselves. This new ideology of health is based on balancing self-care and self-love, inhabiting your body to life FULLY. How do I know this works? Why am I such a believer? Because I walked this path, I walk it every day. Read more about my journey here. Is This Indeed a Social Issue? Let's look at some major studies...'The Real Truth About Beauty' campaign by Dove in 2004 where 3,200 women, aged 18 to 64 were asked how they defined beauty, how satisfied they were with their beauty and how it affects their well-being. Of these women, "2% considered themselves beautiful. 68% of these women agreed that the media sets unrealistic standards of beauty that most women cannot attain" [2]. 76% of the global respondents (ages 18-29) of Dove’s Real Beauty Campaign agreed in wishing female beauty depicted in media would be defined more than physical attractiveness and 75% agreed with wishing the media included more diverse physical attractiveness such as shape, age and size. When including all ages and asking only respondents in the United States, there is an increase to 85% in wishing female beauty depicted in media would be defined more than physical attractiveness and 80% who wished physical attractiveness being represented as more diverse. According to Body Image, Second Edition: A Handbook of Science, Practice, and Prevention, girls, by age 6 begin to express worries about their weight or shape. In fact, "40-60% of elementary aged girls (ages 6-12) are concerned about their weight or about becoming too fat. This concern endures through life" [1]. The National Eating Disorder Association (NEDA), found that 40% of teenagers who were found as heavier than average experience teasing and bullying in school by peers and/or family members at home. Such teasing has direct correlation to weight gain, binge eating, and extreme weight-control behaviors. “The best-known contributor to the development of anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa is body dissatisfaction” [6]. According to The Body Project: An Intimate History of American Girls, in discussing a study performed, they found that over half of the females interviewed (ages 18-25) would “prefer to be run over by a truck than to be fat, and two-thirds would choose to be mean or stupid rather than fat” [4]. This is a real statistic, I have even attached a link for your viewing. Have we indeed created a world where females would suggest these extremes just for beauty? Females would rather attain negative features than to attain negative physical features. There is a clear need for change....why not body positivity? Call it proper self-care if you'd rather; but to answer the initial question, who cares? I hope for our future sake YOU do! Next time.... Let's get real about BMI. |