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200 lbs, sobbing and in Alamogordo, New Mexico; this is where my journey truly began.
I felt like I was attempting playing the game "Life" and boy, was it harder than I expected. My fiance had just became U.S. airman, where we left our home in Washington State to New Mexico, where the local Friday night hangout spot was in the Wal-Mart parking lot. I was newly married, young, well set with Base housing, not a care in the world - why wasn't I happy? I look back now, even before my marriage, I notice I perceived others as popular, pretty, sleek, perfect, normal. And I... not so much - at least in my own eyes. I struggled with that tiny - no, make that ANNOYING and LOUD - critical voice in my head and I remember bouncing around life continuously wondering: Why I don't fit in? What's wrong with me? Why can't I just be like them - normal? Pretty and proper? Why can't I be what men want, what other women want, how other women look? This obsession to be the idea of what society calls "normal" drove me into a depression where I continuously doubted myself, worried of what others thought, all of which accelerated my anxiety to full speed. Anxiety and depression turned into insomnia as my brain's obsession just became my new normal. Every diet or gimmick, every work out regime, even gym memberships - I tried. The gym membership was a complete waste!! I couldn't even walk in without feeling every wandering eye on me, questioning why this fatty was here. Mirrors were the enemy - at every glace, staring back at me was a disgusting beluga whale. Flashes of faces looming at me from all around, trainers judging me, making me self-conscious to move. Hey! I know this is completely irrational but I also know I'm not the only one who has encountered this form of mental prison. We each have our own, no one can ever truly sympathize, but we can be at least present and empathize. Every time I would assume I couldn't do it anymore, it destroyed my self-esteem, I had no confidence. Each time I was left defeated, shamed, angry and back at square one. Continuous self-shame ensued; how I couldn't do anything right, how the world was right to judge me, how my life was a waste of time because I was not the perfect size with the perfect outfit with flawless makeup and fabulous hair, skin, nails, all while being 100% natural. Not until I realized how little, how insignificant I thought of myself did I finally see what was missing. Today, I no longer know how much I weigh but the funny thing is that I have no desire to know! .........Radical, right! I did lose weight - about 60-70 lbs worth! - and yes, it was a struggle, and yes, I worked very, very hard. What was my secret, you ask? Moving my body. Learning to eat right as well as the right foods. And finding connections with others who wanted to attain similar goals. That's it! I found that I loved Zumba, so much so eventually the students encouraged me to become an instructor myself - I still am to this day! I found veggies I could tolerate more and more which lead me to become a really good cook! I found better ways of making healthy foods MY way. I found that yoga is amazing for me, it provides an opportunity for me to iron out those wrinkled, tight, rigid thoughts and finally ease my brain. Wholesome activities and food made me feel whole...imagine that. I know I am far from being alone, in fact many males (yes, males too!) and females are familiar with this belittling, enveloping feeling. I am still on this journey, only now I strive to play the game of life by seeking connections with others like me with more loving rules, with self-forgiveness, and with wholeheartedness. And now this is my passion: empowering others to conquer that degrading feeling, helping those rise and discover their voice, to self-proclaim their natural value and worth, as well as advocating for those in the future to never feel depreciated at any age. |